“We get it, you’re gay”
Is one of the comments I received on my Sarahah. I didn’t know how to feel about it so I laughed it off. I’ve talked about struggling with oversharing my gayness. Part of me wants to jump on top of a mountain and shout it so everyone, from the fisherman in the boat in Lamu to the couples hiking in Karura, hears that I am gay. Because I have hidden it for so long, I can’t hide it anymore. I am at a place of self acceptance. It’s beautiful and peaceful and I want people to know. I don’t want to rub it in their faces. I just don’t want to hide it.
And yet, part of me wants to quit with all the posts on Instagram. I stopped using my normal twitter account and switched to the Baby Dyke one so I feel that this comment came from Instagram. I want to stop with the posts and the gay shit because as this person said, they get it. I am gay.
But am I? And what does that really mean. I am still attracted to some guys. I still think some guys are cute. Does that dilute my gayness? Does my lingering bisexuality disqualify me from being gay? If it does, shouldn’t I then stop parading all these faux gayness, remove the queer & rainbow from my bios because I am not truly gay?
I am writing this because, I still got some comments saying they are proud of my pride. And others saying they admire how I’ve embraced being gay because they are yet to get to that place of self acceptance. I am telling you now, that it’s a long journey…one that I think never ends.
Accepting your queerness/homosexuality is important. But be gentle with yourself. There will be days,when you’ll find yourself mired in self-doubt as I am. There will be days when your queerness will be as bright as all colours of the rainbow in full brightness. A flower crown adorning your head, something you’ll want to prance around in for the whole world to see. And there will be days when it will be a burden. A crown of thorns too heavy to bear.
Whatever day you find yourself in, it will be okay. It is okay.
If you need to talk, find me on firstname.lastname@example.org, @kenyanbabydyke on Twitter or pepp.ery on Instagram.