It’s 23:55 and I can’t sleep because I slept during the day. I need to be up early tomorrow. I am hoping writing to you will calm my mind down. Enough for me to actually get some sleep.
I haven’t written to you. I have hardly talked to you. I have conjured up images of you, tossed them around in my mind, bounced them off my walls, but I haven’t had the courage to face you. A conversation with Char got me here. She asked me who is she that I seek.
If I am being honest, I don’t know who I want you to be. I’ve wasted some time building fantasies around different versions of you to distract myself from the people I want to text me who aren’t.
There are things I have down. I want you to be older than me because it’s somehow important to me. I wish there was a better way to explain my fixation with age but there isn’t. I don’t care much about how you look physically. I am certain I will love how my body will feel next to yours. I will live for the melding of flesh, the tangling of our limbs…I’d like it if you were taller than me but again, this is not a necessity.
I want you to love words. That is how I love and I’d want you to read my words and feel the beat of my heart with every letter. Every slant, every slash, every dotted i and j. I’d like you to appreciate the putting together of phrases and how difficult it is to get some words to rhyme.
If you like staying home or being up and about Nairobi, it honestly doesn’t matter to me. Having the same interests is great but being different won’t make me rule us out.
I was watching something about variables. It was in a series I was watching. The professer said something about variable 1 and variable 2 being co-linear. Or something. Basically, they will always be on the same line. Maths never was and probably never will be my strong suit but I liked the idea of that. Always being on the same path. Our interests may be parallel, our ideas may take different paths but our love, will…oh my god. This is getting too corny.
I hope you love yourself. I hope you will be aware of your phenomenal spirit. I hope you will know your strengths, your abilities. I hope you will have no doubt about your bad-assery and all the woman that you are. I will not fail to remind you, whenever I can, but I want you to know this and to believe it in your heart.
There are other things, big things, little things. Like how I move around in my sleep, so it’s probably best if you don’t, how you need to be ready to be on my Instagram all the time…It’s okay if you snore, I can’t hear anything in my sleep. Young MA will be an integral part of our relationship. White chocolate, not dark. Sweet red, not white and never dry. And a lot of other things that I can’t wait to tell you.
I can’t wait to meet you.
P.S.I know this is a long shot…but could you please not be an ex of an ex. Though it’s fine if you are. Why let a little history get in the way.
(Image from Pinterest)