It is cold as balls. Not that I would know what temperature balls are but I am sure that’s a phrase I’ve heard. The matatu I am in is playing 2000s RnB. If that’s not the perfect backdrop for me trying to figure out my thoughts on dating, I am not sure what is. Chingy lamenting that every time he tries to leave something pulls him back. Mary J Blidge saying she’ll love him ‘no matter what’. LL Cool J not believing J Lo wants to leave like that. Can it get any better?
I grew up on this music. This and 90s RnB and Blues. That and the continuous stream of romance novels I was reading throughout primary and secondary school might have disillusioned me regarding love. My notions of love, for most of my life have been dramatic. Loud, over the top declarations of love. The idea that romantic love takes one course: you meet, fall for each other, someone does something really shitty then makes up for it through one huge, crazy gesture, all is made right and you live happily ever after. Soft jazz music, stunning sunset, hands being held, fade to black. Of course real life is a little bit more messy than that and rarely ever takes this format.
I have issues, a few of them being crippling self esteem and overthinking. The idea that I could approach someone in real life, astounds me. Twenty five years (almost) later, it’s not a feat I’ve been able to achieve. Online dating has been the miracle of the century for me. Tinder, Twitter, Instagram have helped me meet beautiful souls whom I’ve proceeded to have amazing interactions with. But even then, I rarely ever do the approaching. Whether it’s the result of years of being told that women should be hunted or the overthinking or the incapacitating low self esteem or a nice sexy mix of all the above…you decide.
I have around 39 matches on Tinder just looking at me. Waiting for me to text. But I refuse to make that first move. No matter how many pep talks I give myself. Twitter and Instagram are pretty much the same. I will aggressively like your pictures or tweets with the hope that you get it. Each like is my heart beating for you. 😂 Corny lines I’ve picked up from all the books.
My sexy concoction of issues doesn’t just stop me from talking to people, it also makes me not put all my eggs in one basket. If I am talking to people…(you know how you go through seasons where 96 people are talking to you and then the well runs out and suddenly it’s just you and Safaricom on your phone? No? Just me? ), I am rarely talking to one person. I am either not talking to anyone (both voluntarily or otherwise) or I am talking to as many people as my schedule will allow. For me this lessens my chances of getting hurt. If no one is special, you can’t get hurt. Is this because heartbreak has been given a bad name or because I am a weak, cowardly creature? Again, decide.
It’s easy for me to see a lot of people at once. Sometimes I think I am polyamorous but that’s a tangled ball of earphones I am yet to untangle. I constantly oscillate between not wanting to talk to anyone and craving a love so deep it consumes me. But do I want to be consumed? And is love what I think it is? I am not sure where I am going with this. I feel like I just gave you a handful of information about me that you don’t need but well.
This was supposed to be about online dating (lol). So share your online dating experience with me? 😁
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